[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*