Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

When I sing in the shower the water turns cold

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor