At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
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Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Perfect
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults