At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”