Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.