Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

Oops I deleted….

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

*3.5 thank you very much.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat