At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Nothing.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.