Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69