[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
You Might Also Like
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My dream car is a taco truck.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.