Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

beware of dog

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”