Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels