Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.