Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.