[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
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Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
new career option?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Just got to our Airbnb!
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27