KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Traveler’s camo
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My dad teaching me to drive
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.