Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Me when I try to be useful

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.