*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.