[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Lmao
Huge if true.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.