Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

i love meeting boys on tinder

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.