[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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“No way.” -Jose
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.