Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s