Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

this article brought to you by lions

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

TRAIN’S HERE

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.