At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Just me and my debit card against the world
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Teach your children to beatbox
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything