Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies