At Walmart during the holidays like..
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A comic by Dan Piraro
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.