At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
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the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I’m awake but I object,