At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
You Might Also Like
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
S M O L
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.