Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Word!