At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I cannot stop laughing at this
