At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.