Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Ha

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.