(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.