(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
You Might Also Like
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok