*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
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Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered