Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.