Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Story time

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.