Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out