Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Chemical wingman

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

throat sock season is upon us.

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.