Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.