[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
You Might Also Like
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
So glad we cleared that up
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot