@OneTrickTofani

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

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@JimmerThatisAll

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

@Aspersioncast

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

@Reverend_Scott

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@decentbirthday

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

@AnniemuMary

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

@JustMeTurtle

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

@CoopSoSarc

All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.