I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.