Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.