At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
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I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
This is my emotional support knife.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird