@daddydoubts

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

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@MomOfTeen

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

@LaBaPete

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

@BoogTweets

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

@Jamie1947

Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before

@SaraESpivey

After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”

@JB4Realz

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

@UncleDuke1969

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

@Geaux2Girl

Your stick-figure family of 6 really isn’t necessary. No one sees your minivan and mistakes you for wild and single.

@mela_shea

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.