At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.