Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Left the door unlocked and didn’t get murdered again.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Yeah, sure, I use made-up words sometimes. Does that make you
*knock on the door
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
boss: you’re late again
me: i saw a dog
boss: that’s what you said yesterday
me: he lives in my house
When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead