At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

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Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.


I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs


If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.


Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill


Yeah, sure, I use made-up words sometimes. Does that make you

[Lowers shades]



*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!


boss: you’re late again

me: i saw a dog

boss: that’s what you said yesterday

me: he lives in my house


When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead