Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FujVithWYAAxkIN.mp4

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”