Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

yeah no that’s fair

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.