At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
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Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White