At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!