At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I get distracted pretty eas
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”