At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Seas the day!!!!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.