Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

War & Peace

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

*lint rolls you awake*

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.