At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
We will use anything but the metric system
