At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
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Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
i meant to share this earlier
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.