At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
You Might Also Like
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Proctology is located in A55
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.