At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
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In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
real
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
happy halloween
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.