At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
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Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
All right then, keep your secrets
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
the rocks need my help
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
But I really needed water water water
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves