At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.