Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

I hope they boil the right one.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.