At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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If only
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
uh oh
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.