At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
