At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
This is me
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart