At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.