At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.