Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Girlfriend catches boyfriend cheating
Boyfriend: WOOOW!!! So you gon believe your eyes over me?
Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian