At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?