@meganamram

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

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@sammyrhodes

Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@LizerReal

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

@WilliamAder

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

@Iam_Nathaniel

Girlfriend catches boyfriend cheating
Boyfriend: WOOOW!!! So you gon believe your eyes over me?

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid

@TheTweetOfGod

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

@solomongeorgio

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

@Sickayduh

Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian