CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.