Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

describing stardew valley

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.