At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
fair
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Can鈥檛. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Good morning
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I don鈥檛 want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I鈥檓 in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can鈥檛!
5: Because you鈥檙e in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how