Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet