Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

So that’s what we looked like?

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower