Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

This could be us but you eatin’

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Frog purse.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok