Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?