Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

One of the best

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.