Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

How your email finds me

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

*lint rolls you awake*

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending