Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

catch me on valentine’s day like

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I stand by it

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

👀

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet