Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible